The C word !!
COMMITMENT is scary … ask any twenty five plus male or female at the threshold of exchanging those sacred vows and who plan to plunge into holy matrimony…They are filled with all sorts of premonitions of what is going to become wrong ..Oh yes…the excitement is there … the joy of calling somebody your own…a companion for life…but there is an essential fear of all this not happening the way you want it…
‘Pre marital or just pre alliance seeking phase’ jitters is a definite state of mind when you feel everything is going to go wrong with the relationship …the romantic illusions that you are having are going to burst…the oh-so perfect picture of you and your life partner walking off into the sunset will become marred by a lot of suddenly sprouting insecurities – whether he/she is the person for you …will he ever satisfy your needs… will she ever understand your priorities…will she ever understand what it means to do the things you want to do…would I be able to get along with this person and manage to remain happy my entire life…and the big one – Is it possible to stay committed to this person whatever the circumstances ?....So many questions…with no really satisfying answers…
I have found this phenomenon with each and every friend of mine…discussed with them how exactly they are feeling …seen them getting married… felt happiness when I heard them confide how wonderful their husbands are…or the sad and disappointing side of how it has become really boring to do the same monotonous things in life ..and after a child or two…the ‘nothing new left in life’ factor... This is the part which I feel is the most scary for the unmarried and the soon to be…where they feel there is no excitement in life after the first 4 or 5 months….then it is just a matter of waiting on the husband/wife, changing diapers and cleaning baby bottoms. All those newly married couples or new mothers with infinitely cute babies will feel like hitting me over the head because of the bliss and fulfillment they must be feeling now...but some others thinking about the C factor would understand what I am talking about…
I wonder if the same kind of uncertainties rocked the previous generations…there was almost a surreal quality of acceptance in them that this was the person meant to be…through thick and thin…through the joy and the pain…I have seen my mom always looking towards my dad’s well being first before anything else…she used to make sure that his coffee was always the way he wanted …the dishes always done the way he liked…wore sarees which he liked….in short it was his way of life that she adjusted to . She always did all this with an unquestioning devotion… I do not think he ever returned the same kind of devotion towards her…but I think she also never thought it necessary…I remember some rare outbursts from her …it must have been tough putting him always before her…but they were as I said rare. And still after all these years and some grandchildren, she blushes at his compliments on a saree that suits her or an especially tasty dinner. Will I be capable of doing that…? humph…or should I really be like her ?? I seriously wonder!!
Some simply feel that love marriage is the answer to all this anxiety …True that you get an insight on the likes, dislikes and how exactly the other person feels in certain situations much before you tie the proverbial knots …But the unknown factor still remains… You never know how it actually will end up as….Love or arranged marriage doesn’t really matter because it still needs a lot of commitment and hard work in favour of it.
Was actually reading Shobha De’s ‘Spouse – The truth about Marriage’…. This was the reason behind me not studying something I am supposed to …and instead typing away the thoughts banging away in my head as my next post….It is a brilliant read for people who are looking at the C word as a definite choice and it made me realize certain things like it isn’t a matter of giving up on your independence if you wear something of his liking and again it doesn’t really affect your manliness if you come down and offer the first apology after a really big fight.
But you cannot learn everything from a book. There is no tried and tested formula to find out how to be committed to a person because each one of us is different and deal with things differently. It is really in our hands to make the place we live in heaven or hell… and maybe with a lot of hard work and time the word - Commitment will actually feel simpler and rather pleasant :-) !!!
Signing off
Sundari
Comments
But the most meaningful thought was in the last para. I agree whether it is love marriage or arrange marriage at the end commitment is all about how far you are ready to go in order to make it last.
Wish you good luck to get a partener of your match....
Bugs.
Its all a question of thinking "I will make it inetersting" or "Will it be intersting" ??
Wot say u ?
Though the last para was relly good and really meaningful.
Good piece of reserch...
Keep doing that..
I think the trick is to keep the romance going, have a life of your own and dont lean completely on the other fellow, just a little so he/she feels that you are with him/her but not enough to crush him/her thoroughly and you should do fine.
Tell you guys what, ‘C’ factor is something, But It is not a big fire that is going to burn all day throughout your life. It is just a small lamp that is going to carry till the very last day.
Be it love or arranged marriage, there is one thing that goes through your mind a million times….. Is this person ready to stand up with you to face the music at all times…be it best!!! Or the worst!!! Might sound like single line poetry ……but this involves the ‘I’ word, Integrity… and that my friend is the key thing which is going make the difference.
Of course, this is not something which is single ended but involves a lot of effort from both ends.
“The guy having the courage to stand up for her what ever are the circumstances... in turn she giving him all the love in the world like no one has ever seen before”. The fourth para beautifully tells it all... which is wrongly termed as devotion!! :)
Your dad smiles when he is happy and your mom smiles when your dad is happy!! As that’s all she can think of… but nothing else!!! …. End story they keep smiling for ever…. That’s a spark of love which can never be explained or understood by any one of us ….. “U have to b them.” :D
I have never read a novel that tells u the tales of a person’s life nor discussed a married life with any of my friends… nor do I really want to do so…. but I am seeing things happen around me…..!! My mom is going through the toughest times in life… I always see my dad holding her hand and giving her the best comfort possible….. He literally trusts no one… including me… when it comes to look after my mom…. He strongly believes he is the only one who could give her the best… This is again the same spark of love which simply cannot be explained in a box full of words…. but have to b them to know it…… :)
I very honestly believe integrity is the sum of these words… be it courage or commitment or even love… this word tells it all…. & also clearly reflects a character of a person in a marriage.. be it love or arranged does it matter ?? :D
That made me to think so much !(wink!). I blv in the C word very much! and wud do my best to keep it alive.
And YES, i wud expect him also to give his best !
Your last line is still lingering in my mind " Will be able to stay with this person throughout my life?". I keep thinking and thinking on this.
Do we really have any option other than continuing with the thread !
Nice article on the 'C' factor. Probably the bottom line is that only, it doesn't matter how two people are committed to each other via love marriage or by ritual one.
The bottom is the destination of successfull married life can only be achieved together by
" Compromises and Understanding ".
Because as i always used to tell you " Not all Fingers are same and you need to wind them up to make a fist and crush the problems coming your way to the destination ".
Good One.
Keep writing without thinking ..
Take CAre